How to Tell If Your New Friend Is Going to Eat You

Lots of people are in town for the the Glory US Invitationals, and, let's face it, it's hardly a trip to New Orleans without partying your ass off until late into the night. You have to be careful, though: There are people out there who are going to try to eat you, and not in a sexy way. No, I'm not kidding. This is my serious face:

Hoot.

In order to help keep you safe (and to make my job a little easier), I've put together a list of signs your new friend might be planning on trying to eat you.

1. They are creepy pale AF.

There are people who don't get out much, and then there's the freaks who look like they haven't seen the sun in years. I don't know why, but these creeps tend to be in the latter category, like somehow emo and goth had a baby together and then hid that baby in a closet for twenty years. If they look like that, stay away. Even if they're not planning on eating you, their personality probably stinks anyways.

2. They stare at you hungrily.

Ya, they're often bad at hiding what they want. Important: This is a little bit different than staring at you lustfully. If you're having a hard time telling the difference, ask yourself: Would their stare look more or less creepy if it were directed at a ham sandwich? No matter what you're out their looking for, it very likely does not involve being somebody's ham sandwich.

3. They don't eat anything.

As hungry as they look, they never eat anything while sizing you up. They'll watch you eat, maybe even pay for your food, but they do not partake themselves. They must not want to spoil their appetite, you know, for later. If your new friend refusing to eat or drink anything interesting, stay clear. Either their saving themselves for later, or their on some new fad diet. Either way, bad news.

4. They want to "get out of here."

Okay, this one isn't particularly specific to these weirdos, but it's important to call it out because this is when you really need to double check your creep senses. At some point, they'll want to get you alone, and you need to go over the previous warning signs, how creepy they seem, and just generally how easily you could imagine them killing and eating you. If you're having trouble deciding, or you're just too drunk, ask a friend. Your friend might have better creep radar.

5. They are vampires.

Just kidding. Vampires aren't real. But crazy, homicidal cannibals apparently are. So stay safe out there, and make sure to bring a friend, one you trust, when heading partying. Nightowl out.